On the past and the present it made

I started this blog around 2005 as a daring teen, looking for a space of my own.

The things I've seen, the places I've been to, the people who touched my life (both positive and negative)--I have shared some of them here. Not to mention my usual occasional rambling-filled entries, this site is indeed me.

But when I read some random entries from way back, I couldn't help but think, "I really wrote this?"

If I have to describe the feeling, I suppose that it wouldn't be much different from time-travelling (not that I've ever done so).

Entries from the past provide a background to contrast the present me and the previous me as if to say, "You've changed."

As to the extent of change and the kind of it, I'm still pretty uncertain. But I'm quite happy with my discovery because we always pretend to remain the same that we prevent ourselves from moving forward. May it be good or bad, we just have to embrace that change in us rather than be stuck as someone we no longer recognize.

With that said, I guess I no longer am the same daring teen when this blog first started.

But who I am now could not be without being that teen back in 2005. And before 2011 ends, I would like to relish the moment that I came to understand a bit more and welcome the path that another year will bring. So that when that time comes, I'll be prepared to accept whatever lies ahead.

Just Dropping By

Huwaaa~

Spent the entire day catching up with my kdrama fix. I'm such a bum! :|

Oh well, better cherish such moments. I wonder when I'll be able to have so much time again. Heehee!

I'll update soon when I have done more sensible things. :)

Colors from East to West

Usually, experiencing a new culture requires travel and a lot of money. But today, I feel so lucky to have attended a Japanese tea ceremony demonstration and a performance by Quatuor Diotima String Quartet without the need to fly to Japan or France.

I think I have posted enough entries to express my fascination with Japan and its culture. And it has always been a dream of mine to witness, if not take part, in a Japanese tea ceremony or, in Japanese, cha no yu. Witnessing the demonstration made me realize all over again Japan's "obsession" with restraint and order which is incomprehensible yet sensible to me. 

Despite the seriousness and solemnity called for by the tea ceremony, I was still able to enjoy the occasion due to a couple of things. Seeing my sensei in her kimono as she performed the ceremony got me totally amazed. Watching my classmates' attempt on the said art was kind of amusing too. But the fact that I got to taste the wagashi and authentic matcha made by sensei sent me immediately to cloud nine. Too bad I wasn't able to bring a camera and take pictures to share though. :(

Just after attending the cha no yu demonstration, my friend and I immediately went to the venue for Quatuor Diotima's performance. We arrived a bit late as the quartet already started their first song so we had to wait before we can enter the hall. Too bad for us youngsters as a strict-looking lady scolded us while we waited at the lobby. :|

To be honest, I have a love-hate relationship with classical music. But when we were invited by a friend to go see a French string quartet FOR FREE, I'm like, 'why not?'. And, the invitation really came on time as I am currently rekindling my affair with classical music since last month. I realized that it helps me keep my sanity through all the things I have to do. 

I can't help but respect Quatuor Diotima and, along with them, all those who are so dedicated to playing instruments. I really felt goosebumps while listening to them perform and sometimes, I would get so carried away by the melody the my head sways to the beat. Watching people like them inspires me to just be good at what I can. I mean, if they can affect me so much by being so good in their music then, I must work hard to be good in my craft too before I can start aspiring to influence others in a positive light. I feel sad that I am not able to speak French. I wanted to express me appreciation but I can't. (As if I can do such thing in Japanese if I will be able to attend a Yuki Kajiura performs. LOL!) Maybe I should start studying French too?

In the end, my friends and I got to get a picture with the quartet members. :P 

I'm really thankful for this day. Makes me love my school even more for bringing in such rare opportunities closer to students. 

MORE! MORE! :D

Promised Memories

Back in preschool, somebody told me that I am special. I responded with a toothy, childish grin because I believed.

Elementary days came by and someone said that I'm capable of great things. I held on to it.

My teen spirit wanted to run free. But you said that I should wait. I did.

Long years are gone and we're almost at the finish line. Yet you say, forget everything.

It's breaking my heart. Because for so long, I placed my faith in you only to hear you say it's over.

They say there's beauty in waiting. But it pains me to realize that I was made to wait for nothing.

Perhaps it's foolish to continue holding on. It's all I have.

I have waited this long. Maybe a few more years wouldn't hurt so bad.

Though it's useless if I'm the only one who's all in.

I'm not closing any doors because I remember you telling me that we'll always be together.

Hopefully, it's not yet forgotten. Because I don't mind returning to dust if we're all together.

Forever.

New Paths

Today marks another occasion of opportunities.

A chance of start anew.

A chance to believe once more.

A chance recover what we once had lost.

A chance to heal and have faith in love.

Happy Easter to you.

Have Me Some Bubble Tea

The worst is over...for now.

With the summer season kicking in, I temporarily left all my academic worries behind and go out with my sister. And when the two of us are out, we always look forward to eating out! And this time, we invaded Bubble Tea at The Block (Romanized Japanese: Tapioka Tii).

The said Tokyo Milk Tea Place has been around for quite some time now but today was the first time that my sister and I decided to step inside to check out what they have to offer.

There's a lot of buzz about milk teas recently. Being a tea fan, of course that's progress. I mean, milk teas are definitely better than sugar-doused drinks pretending to be tea (but hey, that's just my opinion). Due to geographical restraints, the only "milk tea" that I have been drinking for the past months was Starbucks' Iced Green Tea Latte. But today was an awesome opportunity to try something new.

Bubble Tea's shop interior is nice and, well, bubbly. Comfy couch chairs and upbeat J-pop songs welcomed us and really set a general positive vibe for the place. Aside from dining comfort, the interior of Bubble Tea is really ideal for picture happy people (like me and my sis!) which we took advantage of. :)

featuring my sister at Bubble Tea The Block

To start off, I opted to try their large Japanese Green Milk Tea (P125) while my sister chose a large Jasmine Milk Tea (P125). Other kinds of tea-based beverages are also available such as Tea Slushes and Milk Shakes. Bubble Tea offers their customers the option of having some of their beverages either hot or cold. With summer's scorching heat, we definitely both had our drinks cold.

From the first sip, I totally fell in love with my Japanese Green Milk Tea. It's perfect--not too sweet, the distinct seaweed-like taste of brewed sencha and, the tapioca cooked to just-right chewiness (also locally known as pearls) all mixing in my mouth. And while I am totally biased towards green tea (whether its hot or cold), I must admit that the Jasmine Milk Tea tastes so good as well.

Despite milk teas being their specialty, Bubble Tea also offers a wide array of snacks and meals. Sandwich, ramen, donburi, gyoza, sushi, sashimi, pasta -- whatever strikes your palate's fancy with a Japanese twist. My sister and I had Philadelphia Maki-Zushi (P195) and Yakiniku Beef Sandwich (P245). Contrary to what one can expect from a typical drink-specialized shop, Bubble Tea food is DELICIOUS! The servings are generous, newly cooked and tasty.

The Philadelphia Maki-Zushi had 8 pieces of sushi made with cream cheese, salmon, cucumber and mango, topped with tobiko (fish roe), accompanied by a side serving of gari (p

ickled ginger), shoyu (soy sauce) and wasabi. Very yummy, I assure you. Just this is enough to fill one's stomach!

Two sandwiches filled with alternating layers of tender beef strips, cheese, tomato, cucumber and lettuce are the highlights of Bubble Tea's Yakiniku Beef Sandwich. Nicely done potato salad and coleslaw sidings complement the meal, perfect for vegetable salad lovers looking for a variety.

To top everything else, we helped ourselves with a slice of Matcha Cake (P125). The best tea-based cake I've tasted so far, I swear. Who knew green tea and coffee would be soooo heavenly on a dessert? It's a must try!

The staff also gave us a Bubble Tea Loyalty Card which will entitle you to one serving of any large milk tea drink of your choice once you complete all 10 stamps. I'll definitely come back for that free milk tea!

I officially declare Bubble Tea as one of my favorite restaurants. Awesome milk tea, good food, chill ambiance for a reasonable price.

Seriously, Bubble Tea is a perfect place for girl-bonding or a chillax date.

;)

Can't wait for my next Bubble Tea!

---

Photo montages in this entry were made using the free Montager iPod App. :)

Bubble Tea official logo was captured from the official Bubble Tea website.

to lost and wandering souls

Here. There.

There. Here.

To. Fro.

Back and forth, seemingly searching. Eyes empty, drifting.

Spirit lost. Shell's all that's left.

Found, yet did not become.

Round and round, a familiar path. Spiraling down... down... deep.

To a dear lost and wandering soul, may you come back.

For shell of a body is none, 'less you be here.

Yet Another Syndrome

Perhaps procrastination is a necessary evil that paves my way towards concentration in order to eventually study for an upcoming exam. And after you read that sentence, I'm sure you thought "Oh, you're procrastinating...again?" or somewhere along those line.

Yep, you guessed that right.

I am supposed to be studying for my Health Informatics midterm exam. :|

*hands you a cookie (pun intended? LOL)*

While I have recently learned that procrastination is one of the symptoms for Passive Aggression, this will not be a sharing about mental diseases. I heard that sigh of relief... or was that disappointment? :))

ANYWAY.

Briefly, I just want to share my current LSS, short for Last Song Syndrome. And this time, it's the song Be as One by the J-pop boy group (band?) w-inds. -- stylized 'winds' and is pronounced in Japanese as 'uwinzu'.

Forgive me if its a Japanese song. It's such a nice song with good melody AND lyrics. Heck, I can even say that this is one of those songs that even if you don't understand any of the words, you'll feel the meaning. I could have included a translation of the song but you know, I'm in procrastination mode so... hehe, you get what I mean. :D

But if you're open to trying out what I mean, I embedded the video from Youtube for your watching/listening convenience. After hearing it, tell me what you think. :D

P.S. Wish that procrastination will leave my side. ASAP :(

勉強しなくちゃいけない！

Love,

me.

Eleven Things for Twenty-Eleven

I'm not one for New Year's Resolutions because I usually forget about them after a few days (blame it on the school system, alright?). So instead, I'll share the things I want to do AND accomplish in the year 2011. Forgive me if they sound crazy or childish or just plain weird. That's just me. :D

11. Explore.

The destination need to be some far away and secluded island. I simply want to experience different things, feel the wind blow on the face, see new sights, try new flavors and, from time to time, meet someone new. Hopefully, by the end of the year, I have already expanded my world even just a bit.

10. Move.

Life is too short for me to just sit back and watch time pass by. In every context that it would apply, I want to move and do something. Because if I want to get things done the way I want them to be, I should at least initiate, right?

9. Enjoy.

With less than 5 months remaining in my teen years, I realize that I'm a bit too straight-laced for my own good. Education is and still will be my priority but this time, I'd like to let down my hair once in a while and douse my self with some fun. Join me sometime?

8. Save.

Money, planet, others -- if the situation calls me and I deem myself capable of saving, I want to have the courage and will-power to do it.

7. Listen.

Since the advent of technology and the Internet, everyone wants (demands) to be heard. I won't deny my guilt to such crime. And coming to think about it, if everyone just keep on talking about themselves but don't even spare a minute listening to others, then what's the point? Besides, there is power to opening your ears and listening to other people -- the person sitting next to you may just be waiting for someone who will at least try to understand the grief he's long kept inside his heart.

6. Learn.

There are a lot of unknown worlds out there and I want to humble myself and not feign knowledge of everything. But I'd like to learn things about other worlds little by little. Maybe it's just me but, every time I discover something new, it prompts me to rethink of how I view myself and the world.

5. Accept.

Certain things are better left the way they are.

4. Pray.

I'll always need His guidance.

3. Create.

I don't remember who said it but, I find truth in the saying that goes something like "what we create immortalize us". Even after we die, as long as our creations remain, it's like a part of us still lives because we spent precious time of our lives in order to produce that something. Perhaps this is just a part of my humanly vanity, but I'd like to contribute something to humankind through making something -- a story, an image, an experiment -- I'm still uncertain, and hopefully, even just a small part of me will be embedded into human history (I pray it would be of the positive sort though).

2. Smile.

Aside from the fact that it will exercise my (our) facial muscles, I personally find smiles and the very act of smiling uplifting (though sometimes painful, but that's a different story). To some extent, I seem to see the world a bit brighter every time I smile or when I see someone smiling. And after all the hardships I went through the past year, somehow, smiling for me evolved into a therapeutic activity. I'd like to share the goodness smiling has brought to me so that others may also remember how it feels like to let out a genuine smile. Besides, it makes one pretty don't you think?

1. Love.

Platonic, agape, romantic, filial, humanitarian, and all other terms associated with the warm feeling called love, I'd like to open my heart into giving and receiving them. Often times, we just allow such feeling to be left unsaid, praying that others will just know that you love them. Growing up teaches a lot of things and it has taught me a harsh lesson -- Humans are insecure creatures. We like being reassured that people care [read: give a damn] about us. Why do you think Twitter is so popular if it's not the case? So keeping that in mind, I'll do my best to verbally express my love for the special people in my life. And besides, we are made by, from and to love? So let's not hold back, shall we?

Let's rock this year!

Before the Season Ends

MERRY CHRISTMAS!

I know it's been a while since I last posted. When you're just almost a year away from graduation, thesis work surely will take up a LOT of your time.

I'll keep this short and sweet. :D

I hope everyone's having a blast today!

Love,

Me

the jlpt feel

JLPT is finally over.

After weeks, days, hours of (attempted) studying kanji, hundreds of vocabulary words and sentence patterns, I am thankful that it has finally culminated.

True, I was not totally confident about taking the N4 exam as I waited along the halls of De La Salle University. I did some sort of last-minute review but eventually gave up as the sea of people started to overwhelm me. Various voices filled my ears as I tried to distract myself from the anxiety and excitement.

I guess I'm a bit too tired to narrate in detail what happened. But the point is, I'm thankful for the opportunity. 'Twas a new set of experience. :D

crave

Perhaps it is simply human to be always wanting. The feeling of dissatisfaction would always come nagging from somewhere in the recesses of one's heart. A taste of something yearned for would not be enough -- you have to own it to quench that desire. It evokes all sorts of selfishness and self-gratification shunned yet secretly nurtured by society.

It's a craving that's almost clinical.

But who's sane enough to heal?

It's a craving that's almost criminal.

But who's not guilty enough to judge?

Warmth in Three

Hug.

It's that comforting warmth that wraps around you from another -- family, friend, lover.

But when you hold on to me a bit tighter, I'm not sure anymore.

I can feel your hesitation from the awkwardness of your limbs around me.

As I buried my face on your neck, I want to believe that you meant everything that you said.

Early Morning Dilemma

7:34 am

I came to school so early in the morning, planning to study for my Kanji test tomorrow so that later today, I will just have to focus on my Physics exam review.

But you see, my plan obviously failed.

Here I am, randomly typing away on my laptop. Goshhhhh, I am suffering from too much need for procrastination. :| Yet I know all too well that I am hanging by a thread in almost all of my majors! Accounting, Physics, Epidemiology -- gosh, please don't kill me! :((

As of the moment, I can feel the mix of caffeine overload flowing through my veins -- result of drinking cups of green tea last night and a big mug of coffee this morning. I'm so dead. But I try to minimize my dosage of such chemicals as I don't want to feel the weakening after-effect when the caffeine leaves my body. Honto ni yabai yo!

For now, I fill my ears with perky party music to keep me awake. I hope this works!

While Usher and his posse shouts out "OHHHHHHHHHHH" on the background, I will attempt to finally study my Kanji. 　がんばります!

(いやああああああああ!)

:((

Pagninilay

Sa loob ng silid-aralan ng asignaturang Pilosopiya ko unang nakilala ang salitang meron.

Sigurado ako na matapos mong mabasa ang unang pangungusap ay tumaas ang iyong kilay. Parang imposible nga naman sa isang Pilipino na hindi alam ang salitang meron dahil sa sobrang dalas na magamit ito. Madalas nating itinatanong, "Anong meron?" kapag malungkot o kaya naman sobrang saya ng ating kaibigan. Kaming mga babae, bawat buwan, nagbubulungan sa isa't isa upang hindi marinig ng iba na meron kami. Talagang hindi mawawala ang meron sa pang-araw-araw na usapang Pilipino.

Pero, ano nga ba ang meron?

Simple lang naman ang meron.

Ang lahat ay meron. Ang wala ay meron.

Simple, hindi ba? Walang compound o complex sentences para lang ipaliwanag ang meron. Pero sa tiyak na kasimplehan ng meron nagmumula ang pagkalula. Sanay na kasi tayo na kumplikado ang lahat kaya nakapaninibago ang kapayakan ng meron. Aminado ako na hanggang ngayon, hindi ko pa rin naiintindihan ang kabuuan ng meron pero, tinatanggap ko ang meron dahil nararanasan ko ito.

Nangungusap sa atin ang meron, sa pamamagitan ng logos o kaya, salita. At sa pamamagitan ng salita nakikita at nauunawaan natin ang totoo. Madalas, akala natin na ang nakita natin ang logos ng karanasan na iyon. Maaaring nagkamali tayo ng pagunawa, pero tinanggap natin ang pagunawang ito bilang ang totoo at ibinahagi pa natin ito sa iba na tinanggap din naman nila. Sa kasong ito, ang sinang-ayunan at pinagbabahagiang totoo ay hindi totoo, kung hindi, ang katotohanan. Sa ideyal, iisa lamang ang totoo at katotohanan. Pero dahil sa kumplikado na ang sitwasyon, nahihirapan tayong mapag-isa ang totoo at katotohanan.

Paborito ko ang konsepto ng katotohanan sa Pilosopiya. Sa lahat ng mga natutunan ko sa Pilosopiya hanggang sa puntong ito, ang katotohanan lamang ang konsepto na nagpapakita ng kalayaan na ibinigay ng Diyos sa tao. Madalas kasing ihalintulad ang meron sa Diyos. Kung susundan ang ganitong pag-iisip, ang totoo ay galing sa Diyos pero maaari itong tanggapin at unawaain ng tao sa iba't ibang paraan. Sa madaling sabi, ang totoo para sa akin, ay maaaring hindi totoo para sa iyo.

Mula sa naunang kasipan tungkol sa katotohanan, gusto kong i-ugnay ito sa pag-ibig. Nitong mga nakaraang buwan kasi, madalas akong naguguluhan at nalilito dahil hindi ko naiintindihan ang logos na nais niyang ipahiwatig. Sa tipikal na obserbasyon, maaaring isipin na marahil espesyal din ako sa kanya. Pero nang talakayin namin sa Pilosopiya ang katotohanan, naisip ko, posible rin naman na ang totoo para sa kanya ay maaaring iba sa totoo para sa akin. Kaya siguro agad pumapasok sa isipan ko na marahil espesyal din ako sa kanyan dahil sa mga popular na katotohanan tungkol sa pag-ibig.

Dahil dito, naisip ko na hindi ko tuluyang malalaman ang katotohanan tungkol sa estado ng aming pakikitungo sa isa't isa kung hindi ko malalaman ang totoo sa likod ng kanyang mga aksyon. Walang saysay na pagurin ko ang aking sarili sa kakaisip ng mga posibleng paliwanag kung hindi ko mismo siya tatanungin. Dahil siya lang ang makapagbibigay ng sagot sa mga katanungang tumatakbo sa aking isip.

Alam kong ganito ang sitwasyon. Alam ko ang kailangan kong gawin.

Magtanong.

Pero hindi ko ginagawa. Hindi naman ako maskhista. Ang totoo niyan, natatakot lang akong malaman ang katotohanan. Kapag pinakawalan ko mula sa aking mga labi ang mga salitang nagpapahiwatig ng katanungan, mapag-uusapan na namin ang lahat-lahat sa pamamagitan ng lahat-lahat ng sabay-sabay. Gusto kong malaman ang katotohanan pero hindi pa yata ako handa para dito.

Paumanhin kung napapadalas ang mga blog ko tungkol sa kanya. Kinakailangan ko lang talagang ilabas ang aking saloobin. At tinulungan ako ng Pilosopiya na mag-isip sa iba namang punto de bista.

Sa kabila ng mga ka-dramahan ko, nakatutuwa namang isipin na nagagamit sa buhay ang mga konsepto na pinag-aaralan sa unibersidad. Sana naman ay magawa ko rin ito sa ibang asignatura ko.

Hanggang sa muli.

Movie: Raise the Red Lantern

Along the process of tidying up (ie. reformatting) my four-year-old laptop, I am starting by removing the numerous sticky notes on my desktop screen.

During the summer vacation, I had the chance to watch the award-winning Chinese movie Raise the Red Lantern starring Gong Li. I just watched it because of Gong Li (that woman is really pretty and talented, I swear). I didn't know anything about the plot but to my surprise, I found myself thinking about the movie's message right after watching it. It was definitely a gothic film. Perhaps dark is the right term? I'm not really sure. But I'm sure that it is a very good film. Somewhat educational in terms of older Chinese culture.

The following are my thoughts that I typed away on a sticky note on my desktop.

"The movie Raise the Red Lantern speaks of the importance given by the Chinese to traditions. It also shows an attempt of the younger generations to break the tradition yet at the same time, hides themselves underneath the said old traditions. The result of such half-hearted attempt will only lead to despair, madness and death. This also shows that in order to fully break away from the 'chains' of traditions, the Chinese women should be firm in their resolve and actually choose which path they want to go. Indecisiveness will only bring suffering not only to one's self but others as well."

5 Questions

1.) Were you the one who wrote 'I love you' on my paper?

2.) If yes, why did you do so?

3.) What's your favorite color?

4.) Are you irritated by me?

5.) What do you think of me?

These questions must have been swimming in my head for a long time now since it was easy for me to utter these top 5 questions that I will ask you, if you and I will ever have the chance to have a talk.

Just you and me.

Maybe I should thank my friends for letting me actually think about it. But the thing is, knowing these questions actually made me want to know the answers from you. You sure know how to make a girl go crazy about you.

Open Door

Today is a day when I got reminded by lady Fate that I can't always get what I want.

It's a fact that I know all to well and yet... it hurt. And I am currently reveling in the pain, not because I'm a masochist. Rather, I want the feeling to sink in. That's why I am writing this. The words make the feelings real, real to me. Experiencing and accepting that reality will push me past he pain and hurt with new wisdom.

As I end this brief entry, I can say that I feel better. Even if lady Fate denied me entrance to one door, I'm sure she'll happily open a different one for me.

love the way you lie

It has been a hobby of mine to browse through youtube and "discover" new songs, new sounds, new music.

Last night, I came across this new single from Eminem and Rihanna called "Love the Way You Lie". I always admired Eminem's fearless self-expression (though I'm not really enthusiastic about his excessive usage of swearwords) while I salute her as how she came back stronger after the incident with Chris Brown.

To be honest, I did not finish the entire song. I stopped listening after around 40 seconds. Ideally, I wanted to finish a song so that I can judge whether I like it or not. But I stopped listening. Not because I already determined that like/hate the song but because I got so stuck on Eminem's first two lines.

I can't tell you what it really is
I can only tell you what it feels like

Those lines really hit the bull's eye.

Recently, my close friends who knew about my latest matters of the heart would ask me where are am I now in terms of my feelings. I really find it difficult to answer such question. They expect me to give out a universally known term or explanation. But I don't know how I will enclose my emotions into familiar words that either don't seem enough or seem too serious to describe what's in my heart.

This sort of things make me wish that I could easily create words that will fit exactly. That way, misunderstandings won't happen. Words are just too powerful. Once you wrote or said them, it will be difficult to take them back. You can either hurt or make someone happy by just uttering a single word.

So for now, maybe I'll stay quiet. That way, I won't be accused of lying if by any chance I'm not entirely sure of how I feel.

He should have done the same. Maybe I won't be in this maze if he did.

Frustration Blender

Numbers. Numbers.

All I see are numbers.

It makes me dizzy seeing all these complicated-looking and intimidating strings of mathematical expressions and formulas on a single chalk-blanched blackboard.

I initially thought that it must be fate speaking. Physics and I are never meant to be together.

But at the back of my mind, I know that all those symbols and representations actually make some sort of sense. Albeit vague, I understand.

So why on earth did I write the first few lines of senseless complaints and rantings?

For one, I really just wanted to rant... and complain. And two, I want to make myself realize that I am just running away from the problem.

At present, I should be doing my physics problem set but instead I am writing this. Well, this is better than just pacing inside the library. I'm not really being productive. I feel bad.

Well, I have finally allowed myself to release my unease. Physics really drives me to the edge (particularly due to a certain nightmarish experience caused by a certain person).

Sigh, thank you words. If words did not exist, I might have gone really wild from frustration.

jaaaa, off to work