On the past and the present it made

I started this blog around 2005 as a daring teen, looking for a space of my own.

The things I've seen, the places I've been to, the people who touched my life (both positive and negative)--I have shared some of them here. Not to mention my usual occasional rambling-filled entries, this site is indeed me.

But when I read some random entries from way back, I couldn't help but think, "I really wrote this?"

If I have to describe the feeling, I suppose that it wouldn't be much different from time-travelling (not that I've ever done so).

Entries from the past provide a background to contrast the present me and the previous me as if to say, "You've changed."

As to the extent of change and the kind of it, I'm still pretty uncertain. But I'm quite happy with my discovery because we always pretend to remain the same that we prevent ourselves from moving forward. May it be good or bad, we just have to embrace that change in us rather than be stuck as someone we no longer recognize.

With that said, I guess I no longer am the same daring teen when this blog first started.

But who I am now could not be without being that teen back in 2005. And before 2011 ends, I would like to relish the moment that I came to understand a bit more and welcome the path that another year will bring. So that when that time comes, I'll be prepared to accept whatever lies ahead.

to lost and wandering souls

Here. There.

There. Here.

To. Fro.

Back and forth, seemingly searching. Eyes empty, drifting.

Spirit lost. Shell's all that's left.

Found, yet did not become.

Round and round, a familiar path. Spiraling down... down... deep.

To a dear lost and wandering soul, may you come back.

For shell of a body is none, 'less you be here.

Eleven Things for Twenty-Eleven

I'm not one for New Year's Resolutions because I usually forget about them after a few days (blame it on the school system, alright?). So instead, I'll share the things I want to do AND accomplish in the year 2011. Forgive me if they sound crazy or childish or just plain weird. That's just me. :D

11. Explore.

The destination need to be some far away and secluded island. I simply want to experience different things, feel the wind blow on the face, see new sights, try new flavors and, from time to time, meet someone new. Hopefully, by the end of the year, I have already expanded my world even just a bit.

10. Move.

Life is too short for me to just sit back and watch time pass by. In every context that it would apply, I want to move and do something. Because if I want to get things done the way I want them to be, I should at least initiate, right?

9. Enjoy.

With less than 5 months remaining in my teen years, I realize that I'm a bit too straight-laced for my own good. Education is and still will be my priority but this time, I'd like to let down my hair once in a while and douse my self with some fun. Join me sometime?

8. Save.

Money, planet, others -- if the situation calls me and I deem myself capable of saving, I want to have the courage and will-power to do it.

7. Listen.

Since the advent of technology and the Internet, everyone wants (demands) to be heard. I won't deny my guilt to such crime. And coming to think about it, if everyone just keep on talking about themselves but don't even spare a minute listening to others, then what's the point? Besides, there is power to opening your ears and listening to other people -- the person sitting next to you may just be waiting for someone who will at least try to understand the grief he's long kept inside his heart.

6. Learn.

There are a lot of unknown worlds out there and I want to humble myself and not feign knowledge of everything. But I'd like to learn things about other worlds little by little. Maybe it's just me but, every time I discover something new, it prompts me to rethink of how I view myself and the world.

5. Accept.

Certain things are better left the way they are.

4. Pray.

I'll always need His guidance.

3. Create.

I don't remember who said it but, I find truth in the saying that goes something like "what we create immortalize us". Even after we die, as long as our creations remain, it's like a part of us still lives because we spent precious time of our lives in order to produce that something. Perhaps this is just a part of my humanly vanity, but I'd like to contribute something to humankind through making something -- a story, an image, an experiment -- I'm still uncertain, and hopefully, even just a small part of me will be embedded into human history (I pray it would be of the positive sort though).

2. Smile.

Aside from the fact that it will exercise my (our) facial muscles, I personally find smiles and the very act of smiling uplifting (though sometimes painful, but that's a different story). To some extent, I seem to see the world a bit brighter every time I smile or when I see someone smiling. And after all the hardships I went through the past year, somehow, smiling for me evolved into a therapeutic activity. I'd like to share the goodness smiling has brought to me so that others may also remember how it feels like to let out a genuine smile. Besides, it makes one pretty don't you think?

1. Love.

Platonic, agape, romantic, filial, humanitarian, and all other terms associated with the warm feeling called love, I'd like to open my heart into giving and receiving them. Often times, we just allow such feeling to be left unsaid, praying that others will just know that you love them. Growing up teaches a lot of things and it has taught me a harsh lesson -- Humans are insecure creatures. We like being reassured that people care [read: give a damn] about us. Why do you think Twitter is so popular if it's not the case? So keeping that in mind, I'll do my best to verbally express my love for the special people in my life. And besides, we are made by, from and to love? So let's not hold back, shall we?

Let's rock this year!

Pagninilay

Sa loob ng silid-aralan ng asignaturang Pilosopiya ko unang nakilala ang salitang meron.

Sigurado ako na matapos mong mabasa ang unang pangungusap ay tumaas ang iyong kilay. Parang imposible nga naman sa isang Pilipino na hindi alam ang salitang meron dahil sa sobrang dalas na magamit ito. Madalas nating itinatanong, "Anong meron?" kapag malungkot o kaya naman sobrang saya ng ating kaibigan. Kaming mga babae, bawat buwan, nagbubulungan sa isa't isa upang hindi marinig ng iba na meron kami. Talagang hindi mawawala ang meron sa pang-araw-araw na usapang Pilipino.

Pero, ano nga ba ang meron?

Simple lang naman ang meron.

Ang lahat ay meron. Ang wala ay meron.

Simple, hindi ba? Walang compound o complex sentences para lang ipaliwanag ang meron. Pero sa tiyak na kasimplehan ng meron nagmumula ang pagkalula. Sanay na kasi tayo na kumplikado ang lahat kaya nakapaninibago ang kapayakan ng meron. Aminado ako na hanggang ngayon, hindi ko pa rin naiintindihan ang kabuuan ng meron pero, tinatanggap ko ang meron dahil nararanasan ko ito.

Nangungusap sa atin ang meron, sa pamamagitan ng logos o kaya, salita. At sa pamamagitan ng salita nakikita at nauunawaan natin ang totoo. Madalas, akala natin na ang nakita natin ang logos ng karanasan na iyon. Maaaring nagkamali tayo ng pagunawa, pero tinanggap natin ang pagunawang ito bilang ang totoo at ibinahagi pa natin ito sa iba na tinanggap din naman nila. Sa kasong ito, ang sinang-ayunan at pinagbabahagiang totoo ay hindi totoo, kung hindi, ang katotohanan. Sa ideyal, iisa lamang ang totoo at katotohanan. Pero dahil sa kumplikado na ang sitwasyon, nahihirapan tayong mapag-isa ang totoo at katotohanan.

Paborito ko ang konsepto ng katotohanan sa Pilosopiya. Sa lahat ng mga natutunan ko sa Pilosopiya hanggang sa puntong ito, ang katotohanan lamang ang konsepto na nagpapakita ng kalayaan na ibinigay ng Diyos sa tao. Madalas kasing ihalintulad ang meron sa Diyos. Kung susundan ang ganitong pag-iisip, ang totoo ay galing sa Diyos pero maaari itong tanggapin at unawaain ng tao sa iba't ibang paraan. Sa madaling sabi, ang totoo para sa akin, ay maaaring hindi totoo para sa iyo.

Mula sa naunang kasipan tungkol sa katotohanan, gusto kong i-ugnay ito sa pag-ibig. Nitong mga nakaraang buwan kasi, madalas akong naguguluhan at nalilito dahil hindi ko naiintindihan ang logos na nais niyang ipahiwatig. Sa tipikal na obserbasyon, maaaring isipin na marahil espesyal din ako sa kanya. Pero nang talakayin namin sa Pilosopiya ang katotohanan, naisip ko, posible rin naman na ang totoo para sa kanya ay maaaring iba sa totoo para sa akin. Kaya siguro agad pumapasok sa isipan ko na marahil espesyal din ako sa kanyan dahil sa mga popular na katotohanan tungkol sa pag-ibig.

Dahil dito, naisip ko na hindi ko tuluyang malalaman ang katotohanan tungkol sa estado ng aming pakikitungo sa isa't isa kung hindi ko malalaman ang totoo sa likod ng kanyang mga aksyon. Walang saysay na pagurin ko ang aking sarili sa kakaisip ng mga posibleng paliwanag kung hindi ko mismo siya tatanungin. Dahil siya lang ang makapagbibigay ng sagot sa mga katanungang tumatakbo sa aking isip.

Alam kong ganito ang sitwasyon. Alam ko ang kailangan kong gawin.

Magtanong.

Pero hindi ko ginagawa. Hindi naman ako maskhista. Ang totoo niyan, natatakot lang akong malaman ang katotohanan. Kapag pinakawalan ko mula sa aking mga labi ang mga salitang nagpapahiwatig ng katanungan, mapag-uusapan na namin ang lahat-lahat sa pamamagitan ng lahat-lahat ng sabay-sabay. Gusto kong malaman ang katotohanan pero hindi pa yata ako handa para dito.

Paumanhin kung napapadalas ang mga blog ko tungkol sa kanya. Kinakailangan ko lang talagang ilabas ang aking saloobin. At tinulungan ako ng Pilosopiya na mag-isip sa iba namang punto de bista.

Sa kabila ng mga ka-dramahan ko, nakatutuwa namang isipin na nagagamit sa buhay ang mga konsepto na pinag-aaralan sa unibersidad. Sana naman ay magawa ko rin ito sa ibang asignatura ko.

Hanggang sa muli.

Movie: Raise the Red Lantern

Along the process of tidying up (ie. reformatting) my four-year-old laptop, I am starting by removing the numerous sticky notes on my desktop screen.

During the summer vacation, I had the chance to watch the award-winning Chinese movie Raise the Red Lantern starring Gong Li. I just watched it because of Gong Li (that woman is really pretty and talented, I swear). I didn't know anything about the plot but to my surprise, I found myself thinking about the movie's message right after watching it. It was definitely a gothic film. Perhaps dark is the right term? I'm not really sure. But I'm sure that it is a very good film. Somewhat educational in terms of older Chinese culture.

The following are my thoughts that I typed away on a sticky note on my desktop.

"The movie Raise the Red Lantern speaks of the importance given by the Chinese to traditions. It also shows an attempt of the younger generations to break the tradition yet at the same time, hides themselves underneath the said old traditions. The result of such half-hearted attempt will only lead to despair, madness and death. This also shows that in order to fully break away from the 'chains' of traditions, the Chinese women should be firm in their resolve and actually choose which path they want to go. Indecisiveness will only bring suffering not only to one's self but others as well."

Open Door

Today is a day when I got reminded by lady Fate that I can't always get what I want.

It's a fact that I know all to well and yet... it hurt. And I am currently reveling in the pain, not because I'm a masochist. Rather, I want the feeling to sink in. That's why I am writing this. The words make the feelings real, real to me. Experiencing and accepting that reality will push me past he pain and hurt with new wisdom.

As I end this brief entry, I can say that I feel better. Even if lady Fate denied me entrance to one door, I'm sure she'll happily open a different one for me.

love the way you lie

It has been a hobby of mine to browse through youtube and "discover" new songs, new sounds, new music.

Last night, I came across this new single from Eminem and Rihanna called "Love the Way You Lie". I always admired Eminem's fearless self-expression (though I'm not really enthusiastic about his excessive usage of swearwords) while I salute her as how she came back stronger after the incident with Chris Brown.

To be honest, I did not finish the entire song. I stopped listening after around 40 seconds. Ideally, I wanted to finish a song so that I can judge whether I like it or not. But I stopped listening. Not because I already determined that like/hate the song but because I got so stuck on Eminem's first two lines.

I can't tell you what it really is
I can only tell you what it feels like

Those lines really hit the bull's eye.

Recently, my close friends who knew about my latest matters of the heart would ask me where are am I now in terms of my feelings. I really find it difficult to answer such question. They expect me to give out a universally known term or explanation. But I don't know how I will enclose my emotions into familiar words that either don't seem enough or seem too serious to describe what's in my heart.

This sort of things make me wish that I could easily create words that will fit exactly. That way, misunderstandings won't happen. Words are just too powerful. Once you wrote or said them, it will be difficult to take them back. You can either hurt or make someone happy by just uttering a single word.

So for now, maybe I'll stay quiet. That way, I won't be accused of lying if by any chance I'm not entirely sure of how I feel.

He should have done the same. Maybe I won't be in this maze if he did.

terrifying future

As I closed a chapter in my life, it is inevitable that I start a new one as I continue breathing and my heart continues beating.

I look forward to what lies ahead in the future but at the same time, I can't help but feel scared, terrified, of the uncertainties presented by the unknown. It was just recently that I successfully pulled myself and my heart together again. Obviously, I don't want to get lost nor heartbroken all over again.

Yet what will be the point of living if I don't even bother risk everything?

I want to continue and be brave for whatever, whoever, comes. As of now, I'm still uncertain if I am already at that optimum point but as a first step towards that goal, I acknowledge the fact that I'm actually scared.

Recently, I find inspiration in the song "Terrified" written by Kara DioGuardi. I first heard this over at YouTube.com sang by Didi Benami for American Idol. It was hypnotic. Warms my heart. :)

"You by the light is the greatest find. In a world full of wrong, you're the thing that's right. Finally made it through the lonely, to the other side. You set it again, my heart's in motion. Every word feels like a shooting star. I'm at the edge of my emotions... and I'm in love. And I'm terrified for the first time and the last time in my only life.

...And nothing's worse than knowing your holding back. I could be all that you need if you let me try... I only said it 'cause I mean it... 'Cause it's true... 'Cause it keeps me up and holds me close whenever I'm without you."

Hopefully, we all find courage this summer season. ;)

Endings, Beginnings, Progress and Everything Else in Between

~On Endings and residue feelings

Not so long ago, I wrote the entry "First Rain Fall" about my decision to actually walk forward and accept all the painful yet meaningful occurrences that came during the past year. After I wrote that entry, I honestly felt good.

But apparently, I can feel better.

He and I, we talked about it... finally. Yes, in some way, it doesn't really matter anymore since I no longer hold romantic feelings towards him. However, having an actual "closure" of the said matter really felt great. I told him everything and he did the same because we finally gave in to the strain our unspoken misunderstandings is causing to our friendship. We worked hard to understand and I'm happy that it turned out well.

On my part, it was somewhat difficult. In fact, I was not expecting such revelations to happen that moment. I thought that he was just fooling around as per usual. I know that if it did not happen earlier, we would still have to deal with it later. I'm thankful that it actually happened now than later. The fact that I cried for a while during our conversation told me that somehow, I still had those teeny feelings for him and that remembering the things that happened still hurts me. But after everything was said and done, I can now really smile.

They say that it's difficult when you fall in love with a guy friend because things will never be the same again if your feelings are not mutual. But then again, that's just a test of your friendship. It's also love on a whole different level of its own.

I'm thankful for the friendship we share.

~On Beginnings and crazy tendencies

Sometimes my imagination runs wild.

I notice the most inane things and can't get them off of my mind. I think that's the reason why I get hurt and scared a lot. I presume a lot due to my observations and become either over confident or lose confidence.

I know that it's bad, wrong and unfair. So little by little, I want to give chance for lady fate to surprise me once in a while. It's going to be challenging since I'm practically like this ever since I gained consciousness towards the world but I'll try to give myself the opportunity to enjoy some of life's exciting experiences by not thinking too much all the time and go with the flow.

Hopefully, I can also save some of my brain cells for other things.

~On Progress finally happening

Since time immemorial, I've been wanting to really learn the Japanese language. From self-help books which I had a terrible love-hate relationship, I was able to take my proper first step by taking a Japanese course for my required foreign language course. It made me really happy but everything is just basic. So I decided to take things a step further.

Currently, I'm now minoring in Japanese Studies along side my pre-medical studies. My fields of study seem a bit disconnected but I believe that if one really is passionate about something, there will always be a way for things to work out just fine.

Who knows, maybe someday I can go work in Japan as a doctor. It's a bit far-fetched but a girl can dream right?

~Everything else that randomly happen in between

Well, I've been really busy lately. Summer classes, writing and movies usually consume my time and I'm having a good time despite the things that I have to do. But I'm looking forward to the end of summer classes so that I'll get to sort of run around and actually have fun under the brightness of the summer sunshine.

Hopefully, I'll also be able to get together with my friends from high school whom I haven't seen in like ages. I really miss everyone!

Enjoy the remaining days of summer!

The First Lines After a Year

April 2, 2009 was a sad, sad day.

For sometime, one person was the object of my affections. I tried to deny my feelings for I know he has eyes for another. But after a while, my heart started to feel so much pain and cried so hard because I know that I'll always be the girl friend and not the girlfriend.

It was difficult. So I scribbled out lines without much thought.

(I typed the succeeding lines in accordance to how I wrote them on the white sheet of paper)

The first lines After A year

I want to hold you tight

When no one else might

With the burden you carry

I don't want you to be sorry

For letting me catch you

Because I will always do.

I want to kiss you lightly

To lend you sweetness even slightly

Might you be thinking of another

At least I know I'm your shelter

Through all the silence of your fears

I'll never leave for I always hear

Your heart's beating as if

It's mine like a gift.

I want you to be happy

By painting a smile even if it's sappy

For you always make my day

With everything you say

May it be about her

At least we relieved it together.

Even though I hurt so much

As long as it is a moment with you

I'll always live through.

I want to love you forever

The way you unknowingly love her

For even if you say you don't

Your eyes say that it's all you want.

My heart cries just by such idea

'Coz I want to be the one with you.

If you would turn around

I'm sure you'll see me bound

To you like water is to life

So I won't give you up without a fight.

But should I fight if there's no

Certain way to go

Towards the road leading to your heart?

I am not sure where to start.

- IaMarie

April 2, 2009

I never intended to write so much about you, my new-found star, but I just couldn't help it. Instead of crying, I just let the words flow in case you want to know.

I think I like you more than I think I do.

---

I do not hurt so much compared to before. But I was reminded of how difficult and painful it was when I found the crumpled sheet of paper with those words.

Now I'm sad.

This one's for you. You should know who you are.

We both know how I feel. You just chose to ignore it.

I've been so good at hiding it now so maybe you think that it's done.

You thought wrong.

I'm sorry. You trusted me so much.

But know this. I did not lie to you.

Don't worry, I'll get over you. Hopefully soon.

So that you won't have to be burdened so much of my affections.

We are still friends, right?

Detachment of the Digital Baby

I just experienced a total disarray in my life -- the loss of Internet connection.

I lived the previous two weeks feeling much like a primitive in the modern era. I can't open my Yahoo! e-mail account, get music updates from imeem, browse through my friends' blogs, read up on the latest news, chat with my friends over meebo and read free manga scans at onemanga.com.

I simply missed out a lot of opportunities to complete my usual routine.

I have to admit that I'm quite ritualistic. I like doing things in order. Not that I'm OC or something but, such order gives me a better view of the things that I had accomplished so far. And part of my long-time everyday ritual is a date with my computer and the Internet. By removing the Internet from my life in a span of more than a week created a few knots and some kinks here and there in my holistic function.

Though I was still able to go on with my life like going to school, eat three times a day, talk to friends, etc. it wasn't just the same. It felt like something's missing. And I think that's a bit scary because I might have been becoming too dependent on the comforts brought about by technology.

I must admit that living in the absence of Internet, though a bit uncomfortable (due to communication services it provides which are essential to my lifestyle like IM, RSS feeds and e-mail), was somewhat fun. The experience of going organic and free from the constraints of the gadgets -- it’s so old school and yet I quite liked it.

If I have the time and opportunity, I'd like to detach myself voluntarily from the digital world for a short while, not just from the Internet but technology in general. The experience made me feel much more alive. Hopefully, when I immerse myself in such unplugged lifestyle, I should have settled all my responsibilities that require the aid of modern-age technology.

I am a digital baby.

And we live in a digital age.

Yet it took me such a long time to realize that fact.

The Longest Day

Did you enjoy the longest day of the year?

In case you didn't know, the Earth experienced the yearly summer solstice today -- June 21.

Despite the fact that the "extension" of the day lasted for only a few seconds, the idea of having a longer day is indeed fascinating. The fast-paced generation definitely would love having such idea on their mind, thinking about the more things they could do and experience. We never seem to be satisfied and that's why we thrive on wanting to be better that we already are. And to be granted a few more seconds to achieve whatever we want for the day, it's simply priceless.

Time has always been scarce (economically-speaking). We want to maximize the littlest amount of time we have in order to get everything done.

But, I don't think that's the essence of the summer solstice.

We are always busy. We do and reap so much things. However, did we ever had time to stop and actually see and appreciate whatever we have? Maybe we do see them -- that's why we never stop aiming for something new. Appreciating, on the other hand, is a different matter. It's an act that calls for contentment (even for a short while) and give your self a pat. You have come so far with all your hardwork and determination. Use the few seconds granted by nature to give yourself some credit and take a break from the competitive mentality you always have.

Today marks the celebration of my existence. Nothing out-of-this-world occurred for I am still as busy and as crazy as ever but I thank God and nature for granting me a few extra seconds to actually see the beauty of the life I have. It's not perfect but it's the only one I have.

Summer solstice is supposed to be the start of the summer in western countries. As for me, I'll always be reminded of the energizing and blazing summer heat to bravely surge through the up and coming storms of another year. Hopefully, you'd feel the blaze too. :)

Ashes

Teardrops.
Heart aches.
Longings.



Gone.

I say farewell to you, my short-lived bittersweet dream
Your reality must beseparate from mine
Because no matter how I tried
You never became mine.

I'm letting you go, my dear heart
Broken, you have become once again
From caring too much,
Hoping for more than there is
Only to take back in return, none.

'Tis unfortunate what has come to us, love
Once burning feelings gone as wisps in the air
Like departed lovers' whisper
For the last time, lingering.

Goodbye, my almost flame.

And as I recite these lines
You only see the smiles.

Will I ever let you go?

I wonder.

Nine Things

Say hello to 2009, people!

Hey, hey, hey! Another year has come for us to rock and just live, love and laugh. Okay, no need to remind me of my slacking and just pure laziness – I already know and somehow, sloth is a sin we all commit in varying degrees. So, now, on the dawn of the Year of the Ox, I am establishing the principles/virtues/goals that I want and I need in order to make 2009 a blast! Look, for seventeen years now , I’ve never done anything like this sort of “new year’s resolution” because I feel that coming up with one is too cliché. But then, I remembered that I’m a visual/active type of person – that I recall things better when I see them or when I write or perform the thing itself. So I guess I have no choice then? One note though, whatever I write here, doesn’t mean that I am making a promise or anything of that degree. I just want to give myself some direction since promises are of a whole different level that, based from experience, are not easily achieved by anyone at a whim. I wrote nine goals for the year two-double zero-NINE.

Well, what are we waiting for? Let’s roll…

1. ‘Diamonds are a girl’s best friend…’ – Nope, I’m not going to start wearing jewelries or fancy accessories when not necessary. I just used the said line from Moulin Rouge because of the materialism that it emits. I admit that I became very worldly during the past year that I casually spent what I have saved and I want to make things right. Yep, that’s my number one goal for 2009 since global economy is currently unstable (not that Philippine economy had been stable for the last 5 years, but anyway) and I’m still at a stage where I’m not that capable yet of earning much as I want to. Save, save, save!

2. Read up! – One thing that I regret about my 2008 was the fact that I had only read few books compared to the previous years. I can’t throw the “I’m busy” BS upon my self since reading is one of my passions. You can’t just ignore the things that make you happy because you’re busy – you find time, right? So for 2009, I don’t care if Dr. Gross wants me to read 57 pages of chemistry stuff. I’ll find time to read books that are not required for school though I’m not zooming in exclusively on books. I’d love to be in touch with magazines, journals, blogs, articles, anything as long as they’d provide me a different insight each day.

3. ‘Smile’ – People say that I’m always smiling. I’m not really sure about that but I think it’s not a bad thing to incorporate, ne? Before, I have this friend who dared me to smile at a random person everyday. I was kind of freaked out by the thought of doing such but when I looked at the idea on a different point of view, such practice would be great. Besides, everyone’s so busy nowadays that we forget how to be happy for the seemingly little yet more important things in this world. And by smiling, I mean sincerely, not some fake ‘say cheese!’ smile. You feel it when you mean it right?

4. Aim Higher – Okay, this is a weird one. In my entire life, I’ve always fought hard and played harder to get what I want but somewhere along the way, I found myself losing that fire. I want to rekindle that fire, feel everything that I do. I’m not only talking about academics but things in general. Nope, I won’t settle for anything less than what I want and I’m sure you’ll be there to help me.

5. Keep it Real – Another cliché but true line. I’m not a saint and I admit that I do lie. I did lie during 2008 and I know it’s wrong to deceive others and one ’s self. Even if there are so-called white lies, I want to keep things, somehow, clean. Another thing about this goal is about shutting my mouth when I won’t be able to say something good. Things will feel better and will be better if I aim to do those. I can feel it.

6. Miss Independent – Not that I’m not independent already but specifically, I want to be more mature and responsible of myself in terms of decision-making, chores, and other affairs. I think losing track of my planner affected my 2008 and I don’t want that to happen this year so I’ll be vigilant in terms of my awareness level regarding deadlines, events, exam dates and birthdays. Also, I want to incorporate organization into my life by doing things on time so I don’t find myself going nocturnal during hell weeks. It will need a lot of work but hey, I’m certain that everything will be worth it.

7. Love...loves…love! – Last year, I got so caught up on searching for romantic love that I almost forgot that love is not always equal to romance. For once, I resolve to focus on the people who already love me – family and friends, reciprocate the love and care they limitlessly give. I don’t need to look for romance desperately, it will just come at the right place and at the right time. Romantic love is not something we can rush for it’s just not easy to deal with. Besides, true love waits. :)

8. An apple a day keeps the doctor away -- I won't just say that I want to lose weight because people can lose weight while sacrificing their health. I just want to be away from any type of illness by trying to eat according to the food pyramid and doing simple exercises to keep my body moving. These small steps are more realistic than torturing my self to lose, say, 30 pounds before the year ends. Health cannot be bought so let's take care of it.

9. Live for the moment – Above all things, now is the most important. He is the only one who knows what’s going to happen next. Better make the most out of it since we can’t bring it back whenever we want to. And of course, offer each day to Him.

Well, that’s the bulk of it folks. I hope you’ll also be able to figure out what YOU want for yourself this year and make them happen.

Until my next entry! Have a rockin’ year ahead!

Meeting God on the Road

August 4 - Math 18a Long Exam part 1

August 6 - Math 18a Long Exam part 2

August 8 - Lit 13 Midterms and Math 18a Midterms

August 15 - Chem 8 Long Exam 1

August 20 - Chem 7 Midterms

I have no more life.

What do you think about my August schedule? Hectic and mentally challenging -- I know.

And because I was so whinny about the fact that all my August will be spent doing hardcore studying, I had a moment with God today. So let me share this small encounter that gave me strength.

I was riding the usual tricyle trip from Tandang Sora that will take me to the UP terminal in order to reach Katipunan and finally arrive Ateneo. Since that route is always taken by students and professionals, heavy traffic is normal. While taking a long stop, I was mentally complaining to Him about how I suck in Math and will I ever survive the consecutive long exams and midterms. And then, the tricyle I was riding moved a bit then stopped again. Suddenly, this coconut juice vendor is passing by, pushing his green kariton (push cart made of wood). On his kariton was this sticker that just stuck my vision. It says "Relax ka lang" and I laughed. I felt most of my stress leave me. God really moves in mysterious ways.

So if you feel that you are already losing, just ask Him.

I'm sure He'll answer -- in the right place at the right time.

Godbless you!

Sweetness,

Allyne

A Moment to Breathe

As I write this entry, I am currently taking a break from writing my seventh pre laboratory report for chemistry.

Ironic, right? I'm writing to break away from writing.

But see, there's a subtle difference, well, a big difference that is. This entry is non-formal and just a way to release negativity from my mind and soul -- away from the demands of the norm. How I love this times when there's a chance to unwind even just for a while. I seem shallow, yes. But that's the beauty of keeping everything real, there's no need to use fanciful words just to convey a message and appear smart in front of others.

Though it's been a while since I last posted a real entry, I want to celebrate this day, this hour, this minute, this moment as blessing. When was the last time you've appreciated the serenity and opportunity of simply living -- without the hassles and bustles of human worries? Now is a dreat opportunity to just stop worrying and just breathe easily and say 'I feel alive.' with a tranquil feeling within.

With the way our world has been going, we still have to return to the superficial standards of the society. But let's not forget to give our souls some time to take any pressure off and just feel serenity. That's how we can live.

As I conclude this sharing, I too am about to return to my usual routine in accordance to the norms but I keep in my mind and heart what my soul needs once in a while.

Sweetness,
Allyne

results of a nanosecond encounter

The following entry was originally hand-written on a typical sheet of notebook paper. The author, who was feeling unusually sensitive that day, felt a heavy emotion radiating from a person she passed by while browsing through the vast collection of books on the third floor of the Rizal Library Annex. She thought that the feeling would go away but she found out that she can't concetrae on answering her ultra-long chemistry problem set that she scribbled the feeling away on the sheet that was supposed to be containing singnificant figures and dimensional analysis solutions. Everything here is same as the original though a few parts were removed.

June 13, 2008 (11:28 AM)

I saw a boy.

Doning a black shirt, sadness radiates from him towards me as I accidentally passed by him.

I know him.

He was quite illustrious in our lot and for many people, that fame would suffice that empty space in their hearts. When I saw his dull, dark eyes, I became affected. He seems to have it all – at a stranger's point-of-view that is.But not everyone sees the troubles his downcast eyes mirror.

In those seconds, when we just stood in front of each other in between the tall bookshelves of the library, I understood bits of how he feels. Maybe if that boy (whom others already see as a man) will be able to read this small reflection of mine, he might accuse me of intruding his privacy or probably being judgmental towards his actions and preferences. I'd wilingly take those accusations from him without hard feelings because indeed, what I have just written were all based on my perspective.

But you see, this is the second time we saw each other (in the similar manner). I don't expect him to remember me because I, myself, have almost forgotten that I was in the same testing room as him during a foreign standardized testing exam. After this recent encounter, everything came back to my memory.

His eyes are still the same.

His unhappy-looking eyes must have shared the melancholy feeling unto me for I can't help but remember those eyes. Writing everythig down is just my way of expressing the degree his sadness has affected me. He just stood there for a second and made his way past me – just like that. But it really racked my thoughts and my emotions.

When we parted ways, I wanted to look back and smile at him, assure him that there are still people who feel and think for others.

But he's already gone.

Hopefully, next time.