On the past and the present it made

I started this blog around 2005 as a daring teen, looking for a space of my own.

The things I've seen, the places I've been to, the people who touched my life (both positive and negative)--I have shared some of them here. Not to mention my usual occasional rambling-filled entries, this site is indeed me.

But when I read some random entries from way back, I couldn't help but think, "I really wrote this?"

If I have to describe the feeling, I suppose that it wouldn't be much different from time-travelling (not that I've ever done so).

Entries from the past provide a background to contrast the present me and the previous me as if to say, "You've changed."

As to the extent of change and the kind of it, I'm still pretty uncertain. But I'm quite happy with my discovery because we always pretend to remain the same that we prevent ourselves from moving forward. May it be good or bad, we just have to embrace that change in us rather than be stuck as someone we no longer recognize.

With that said, I guess I no longer am the same daring teen when this blog first started.

But who I am now could not be without being that teen back in 2005. And before 2011 ends, I would like to relish the moment that I came to understand a bit more and welcome the path that another year will bring. So that when that time comes, I'll be prepared to accept whatever lies ahead.

Promised Memories

Back in preschool, somebody told me that I am special. I responded with a toothy, childish grin because I believed.

Elementary days came by and someone said that I'm capable of great things. I held on to it.

My teen spirit wanted to run free. But you said that I should wait. I did.

Long years are gone and we're almost at the finish line. Yet you say, forget everything.

It's breaking my heart. Because for so long, I placed my faith in you only to hear you say it's over.

They say there's beauty in waiting. But it pains me to realize that I was made to wait for nothing.

Perhaps it's foolish to continue holding on. It's all I have.

I have waited this long. Maybe a few more years wouldn't hurt so bad.

Though it's useless if I'm the only one who's all in.

I'm not closing any doors because I remember you telling me that we'll always be together.

Hopefully, it's not yet forgotten. Because I don't mind returning to dust if we're all together.

Forever.

New Paths

Today marks another occasion of opportunities.

A chance of start anew.

A chance to believe once more.

A chance recover what we once had lost.

A chance to heal and have faith in love.

Happy Easter to you.

to lost and wandering souls

Here. There.

There. Here.

To. Fro.

Back and forth, seemingly searching. Eyes empty, drifting.

Spirit lost. Shell's all that's left.

Found, yet did not become.

Round and round, a familiar path. Spiraling down... down... deep.

To a dear lost and wandering soul, may you come back.

For shell of a body is none, 'less you be here.

Yet Another Syndrome

Perhaps procrastination is a necessary evil that paves my way towards concentration in order to eventually study for an upcoming exam. And after you read that sentence, I'm sure you thought "Oh, you're procrastinating...again?" or somewhere along those line.

Yep, you guessed that right.

I am supposed to be studying for my Health Informatics midterm exam. :|

*hands you a cookie (pun intended? LOL)*

While I have recently learned that procrastination is one of the symptoms for Passive Aggression, this will not be a sharing about mental diseases. I heard that sigh of relief... or was that disappointment? :))

ANYWAY.

Briefly, I just want to share my current LSS, short for Last Song Syndrome. And this time, it's the song Be as One by the J-pop boy group (band?) w-inds. -- stylized 'winds' and is pronounced in Japanese as 'uwinzu'.

Forgive me if its a Japanese song. It's such a nice song with good melody AND lyrics. Heck, I can even say that this is one of those songs that even if you don't understand any of the words, you'll feel the meaning. I could have included a translation of the song but you know, I'm in procrastination mode so... hehe, you get what I mean. :D

But if you're open to trying out what I mean, I embedded the video from Youtube for your watching/listening convenience. After hearing it, tell me what you think. :D

P.S. Wish that procrastination will leave my side. ASAP :(

勉強しなくちゃいけない！

Love,

me.

Eleven Things for Twenty-Eleven

I'm not one for New Year's Resolutions because I usually forget about them after a few days (blame it on the school system, alright?). So instead, I'll share the things I want to do AND accomplish in the year 2011. Forgive me if they sound crazy or childish or just plain weird. That's just me. :D

11. Explore.

The destination need to be some far away and secluded island. I simply want to experience different things, feel the wind blow on the face, see new sights, try new flavors and, from time to time, meet someone new. Hopefully, by the end of the year, I have already expanded my world even just a bit.

10. Move.

Life is too short for me to just sit back and watch time pass by. In every context that it would apply, I want to move and do something. Because if I want to get things done the way I want them to be, I should at least initiate, right?

9. Enjoy.

With less than 5 months remaining in my teen years, I realize that I'm a bit too straight-laced for my own good. Education is and still will be my priority but this time, I'd like to let down my hair once in a while and douse my self with some fun. Join me sometime?

8. Save.

Money, planet, others -- if the situation calls me and I deem myself capable of saving, I want to have the courage and will-power to do it.

7. Listen.

Since the advent of technology and the Internet, everyone wants (demands) to be heard. I won't deny my guilt to such crime. And coming to think about it, if everyone just keep on talking about themselves but don't even spare a minute listening to others, then what's the point? Besides, there is power to opening your ears and listening to other people -- the person sitting next to you may just be waiting for someone who will at least try to understand the grief he's long kept inside his heart.

6. Learn.

There are a lot of unknown worlds out there and I want to humble myself and not feign knowledge of everything. But I'd like to learn things about other worlds little by little. Maybe it's just me but, every time I discover something new, it prompts me to rethink of how I view myself and the world.

5. Accept.

Certain things are better left the way they are.

4. Pray.

I'll always need His guidance.

3. Create.

I don't remember who said it but, I find truth in the saying that goes something like "what we create immortalize us". Even after we die, as long as our creations remain, it's like a part of us still lives because we spent precious time of our lives in order to produce that something. Perhaps this is just a part of my humanly vanity, but I'd like to contribute something to humankind through making something -- a story, an image, an experiment -- I'm still uncertain, and hopefully, even just a small part of me will be embedded into human history (I pray it would be of the positive sort though).

2. Smile.

Aside from the fact that it will exercise my (our) facial muscles, I personally find smiles and the very act of smiling uplifting (though sometimes painful, but that's a different story). To some extent, I seem to see the world a bit brighter every time I smile or when I see someone smiling. And after all the hardships I went through the past year, somehow, smiling for me evolved into a therapeutic activity. I'd like to share the goodness smiling has brought to me so that others may also remember how it feels like to let out a genuine smile. Besides, it makes one pretty don't you think?

1. Love.

Platonic, agape, romantic, filial, humanitarian, and all other terms associated with the warm feeling called love, I'd like to open my heart into giving and receiving them. Often times, we just allow such feeling to be left unsaid, praying that others will just know that you love them. Growing up teaches a lot of things and it has taught me a harsh lesson -- Humans are insecure creatures. We like being reassured that people care [read: give a damn] about us. Why do you think Twitter is so popular if it's not the case? So keeping that in mind, I'll do my best to verbally express my love for the special people in my life. And besides, we are made by, from and to love? So let's not hold back, shall we?

Let's rock this year!

Before the Season Ends

MERRY CHRISTMAS!

I know it's been a while since I last posted. When you're just almost a year away from graduation, thesis work surely will take up a LOT of your time.

I'll keep this short and sweet. :D

I hope everyone's having a blast today!

Love,

Me

the jlpt feel

JLPT is finally over.

After weeks, days, hours of (attempted) studying kanji, hundreds of vocabulary words and sentence patterns, I am thankful that it has finally culminated.

True, I was not totally confident about taking the N4 exam as I waited along the halls of De La Salle University. I did some sort of last-minute review but eventually gave up as the sea of people started to overwhelm me. Various voices filled my ears as I tried to distract myself from the anxiety and excitement.

I guess I'm a bit too tired to narrate in detail what happened. But the point is, I'm thankful for the opportunity. 'Twas a new set of experience. :D

crave

Perhaps it is simply human to be always wanting. The feeling of dissatisfaction would always come nagging from somewhere in the recesses of one's heart. A taste of something yearned for would not be enough -- you have to own it to quench that desire. It evokes all sorts of selfishness and self-gratification shunned yet secretly nurtured by society.

It's a craving that's almost clinical.

But who's sane enough to heal?

It's a craving that's almost criminal.

But who's not guilty enough to judge?

Warmth in Three

Hug.

It's that comforting warmth that wraps around you from another -- family, friend, lover.

But when you hold on to me a bit tighter, I'm not sure anymore.

I can feel your hesitation from the awkwardness of your limbs around me.

As I buried my face on your neck, I want to believe that you meant everything that you said.

Early Morning Dilemma

7:34 am

I came to school so early in the morning, planning to study for my Kanji test tomorrow so that later today, I will just have to focus on my Physics exam review.

But you see, my plan obviously failed.

Here I am, randomly typing away on my laptop. Goshhhhh, I am suffering from too much need for procrastination. :| Yet I know all too well that I am hanging by a thread in almost all of my majors! Accounting, Physics, Epidemiology -- gosh, please don't kill me! :((

As of the moment, I can feel the mix of caffeine overload flowing through my veins -- result of drinking cups of green tea last night and a big mug of coffee this morning. I'm so dead. But I try to minimize my dosage of such chemicals as I don't want to feel the weakening after-effect when the caffeine leaves my body. Honto ni yabai yo!

For now, I fill my ears with perky party music to keep me awake. I hope this works!

While Usher and his posse shouts out "OHHHHHHHHHHH" on the background, I will attempt to finally study my Kanji. 　がんばります!

(いやああああああああ!)

:((

5 Questions

1.) Were you the one who wrote 'I love you' on my paper?

2.) If yes, why did you do so?

3.) What's your favorite color?

4.) Are you irritated by me?

5.) What do you think of me?

These questions must have been swimming in my head for a long time now since it was easy for me to utter these top 5 questions that I will ask you, if you and I will ever have the chance to have a talk.

Just you and me.

Maybe I should thank my friends for letting me actually think about it. But the thing is, knowing these questions actually made me want to know the answers from you. You sure know how to make a girl go crazy about you.

Frustration Blender

Numbers. Numbers.

All I see are numbers.

It makes me dizzy seeing all these complicated-looking and intimidating strings of mathematical expressions and formulas on a single chalk-blanched blackboard.

I initially thought that it must be fate speaking. Physics and I are never meant to be together.

But at the back of my mind, I know that all those symbols and representations actually make some sort of sense. Albeit vague, I understand.

So why on earth did I write the first few lines of senseless complaints and rantings?

For one, I really just wanted to rant... and complain. And two, I want to make myself realize that I am just running away from the problem.

At present, I should be doing my physics problem set but instead I am writing this. Well, this is better than just pacing inside the library. I'm not really being productive. I feel bad.

Well, I have finally allowed myself to release my unease. Physics really drives me to the edge (particularly due to a certain nightmarish experience caused by a certain person).

Sigh, thank you words. If words did not exist, I might have gone really wild from frustration.

jaaaa, off to work

terrifying future

As I closed a chapter in my life, it is inevitable that I start a new one as I continue breathing and my heart continues beating.

I look forward to what lies ahead in the future but at the same time, I can't help but feel scared, terrified, of the uncertainties presented by the unknown. It was just recently that I successfully pulled myself and my heart together again. Obviously, I don't want to get lost nor heartbroken all over again.

Yet what will be the point of living if I don't even bother risk everything?

I want to continue and be brave for whatever, whoever, comes. As of now, I'm still uncertain if I am already at that optimum point but as a first step towards that goal, I acknowledge the fact that I'm actually scared.

Recently, I find inspiration in the song "Terrified" written by Kara DioGuardi. I first heard this over at YouTube.com sang by Didi Benami for American Idol. It was hypnotic. Warms my heart. :)

"You by the light is the greatest find. In a world full of wrong, you're the thing that's right. Finally made it through the lonely, to the other side. You set it again, my heart's in motion. Every word feels like a shooting star. I'm at the edge of my emotions... and I'm in love. And I'm terrified for the first time and the last time in my only life.

...And nothing's worse than knowing your holding back. I could be all that you need if you let me try... I only said it 'cause I mean it... 'Cause it's true... 'Cause it keeps me up and holds me close whenever I'm without you."

Hopefully, we all find courage this summer season. ;)

Endings, Beginnings, Progress and Everything Else in Between

~On Endings and residue feelings

Not so long ago, I wrote the entry "First Rain Fall" about my decision to actually walk forward and accept all the painful yet meaningful occurrences that came during the past year. After I wrote that entry, I honestly felt good.

But apparently, I can feel better.

He and I, we talked about it... finally. Yes, in some way, it doesn't really matter anymore since I no longer hold romantic feelings towards him. However, having an actual "closure" of the said matter really felt great. I told him everything and he did the same because we finally gave in to the strain our unspoken misunderstandings is causing to our friendship. We worked hard to understand and I'm happy that it turned out well.

On my part, it was somewhat difficult. In fact, I was not expecting such revelations to happen that moment. I thought that he was just fooling around as per usual. I know that if it did not happen earlier, we would still have to deal with it later. I'm thankful that it actually happened now than later. The fact that I cried for a while during our conversation told me that somehow, I still had those teeny feelings for him and that remembering the things that happened still hurts me. But after everything was said and done, I can now really smile.

They say that it's difficult when you fall in love with a guy friend because things will never be the same again if your feelings are not mutual. But then again, that's just a test of your friendship. It's also love on a whole different level of its own.

I'm thankful for the friendship we share.

~On Beginnings and crazy tendencies

Sometimes my imagination runs wild.

I notice the most inane things and can't get them off of my mind. I think that's the reason why I get hurt and scared a lot. I presume a lot due to my observations and become either over confident or lose confidence.

I know that it's bad, wrong and unfair. So little by little, I want to give chance for lady fate to surprise me once in a while. It's going to be challenging since I'm practically like this ever since I gained consciousness towards the world but I'll try to give myself the opportunity to enjoy some of life's exciting experiences by not thinking too much all the time and go with the flow.

Hopefully, I can also save some of my brain cells for other things.

~On Progress finally happening

Since time immemorial, I've been wanting to really learn the Japanese language. From self-help books which I had a terrible love-hate relationship, I was able to take my proper first step by taking a Japanese course for my required foreign language course. It made me really happy but everything is just basic. So I decided to take things a step further.

Currently, I'm now minoring in Japanese Studies along side my pre-medical studies. My fields of study seem a bit disconnected but I believe that if one really is passionate about something, there will always be a way for things to work out just fine.

Who knows, maybe someday I can go work in Japan as a doctor. It's a bit far-fetched but a girl can dream right?

~Everything else that randomly happen in between

Well, I've been really busy lately. Summer classes, writing and movies usually consume my time and I'm having a good time despite the things that I have to do. But I'm looking forward to the end of summer classes so that I'll get to sort of run around and actually have fun under the brightness of the summer sunshine.

Hopefully, I'll also be able to get together with my friends from high school whom I haven't seen in like ages. I really miss everyone!

Enjoy the remaining days of summer!

FREEDOM!

After almost 5 months of academic hard work, my long-awaited summer vacation is finally here!

I hope you guys will also enjoy the brightness of the sun in this season of fun! I'm sure I will ;)

First Rain Fall

For days, the sky was just filled with heavily-burdened clouds.

And then, it just rained recently, washing away all the heat of summer. It was a bit eerie yet the rain fall made me happy.

Much as I love the summer season, the sudden rainfall was refreshing.
I really love the smell and atmosphere brought about by rain falls.

---
This is gonna be the first official entry of the year. It is just now that I felt the energy back into my heart. Finally, I got rid of all the drama from last year that desperately clung unto me for the past two months. Aren't you happy for me??? :D

Let's get this party started!

Summer season is up!

simply tired.

I'm tired.

My body.

My mind.

my HEART.

The First Lines After a Year

April 2, 2009 was a sad, sad day.

For sometime, one person was the object of my affections. I tried to deny my feelings for I know he has eyes for another. But after a while, my heart started to feel so much pain and cried so hard because I know that I'll always be the girl friend and not the girlfriend.

It was difficult. So I scribbled out lines without much thought.

(I typed the succeeding lines in accordance to how I wrote them on the white sheet of paper)

The first lines After A year

I want to hold you tight

When no one else might

With the burden you carry

I don't want you to be sorry

For letting me catch you

Because I will always do.

I want to kiss you lightly

To lend you sweetness even slightly

Might you be thinking of another

At least I know I'm your shelter

Through all the silence of your fears

I'll never leave for I always hear

Your heart's beating as if

It's mine like a gift.

I want you to be happy

By painting a smile even if it's sappy

For you always make my day

With everything you say

May it be about her

At least we relieved it together.

Even though I hurt so much

As long as it is a moment with you

I'll always live through.

I want to love you forever

The way you unknowingly love her

For even if you say you don't

Your eyes say that it's all you want.

My heart cries just by such idea

'Coz I want to be the one with you.

If you would turn around

I'm sure you'll see me bound

To you like water is to life

So I won't give you up without a fight.

But should I fight if there's no

Certain way to go

Towards the road leading to your heart?

I am not sure where to start.

- IaMarie

April 2, 2009

I never intended to write so much about you, my new-found star, but I just couldn't help it. Instead of crying, I just let the words flow in case you want to know.

I think I like you more than I think I do.

---

I do not hurt so much compared to before. But I was reminded of how difficult and painful it was when I found the crumpled sheet of paper with those words.

Now I'm sad.

This one's for you. You should know who you are.

We both know how I feel. You just chose to ignore it.

I've been so good at hiding it now so maybe you think that it's done.

You thought wrong.

I'm sorry. You trusted me so much.

But know this. I did not lie to you.

Don't worry, I'll get over you. Hopefully soon.

So that you won't have to be burdened so much of my affections.

We are still friends, right?

Last Wave

August proved to be memorable to me. 3 straight weeks with no more than 4 hours of sleep, group report after group report, several midterms and long exams on the same day, short papers due, volunteer work for the organization and a bit more other stuff.

Man, I'm really exhausted. Then again, on it's last week, I'm going all-out and battle all those long exams so that the rest afterward would feel so worth it. This is not really a proper post. I just want to keep you guys updated -- I'm still alive! And to my fellow estudyantes, I hope you guys are also doing your best for the midterms. Go school! :D

Expect better accounts on the following month!

We can do this guys!