As I closed a chapter in my life, it is inevitable that I start a new one as I continue breathing and my heart continues beating.
I look forward to what lies ahead in the future but at the same time, I can't help but feel scared, terrified, of the uncertainties presented by the unknown. It was just recently that I successfully pulled myself and my heart together again. Obviously, I don't want to get lost nor heartbroken all over again.
Yet what will be the point of living if I don't even bother risk everything?
I want to continue and be brave for whatever, whoever, comes. As of now, I'm still uncertain if I am already at that optimum point but as a first step towards that goal, I acknowledge the fact that I'm actually scared.
Recently, I find inspiration in the song "Terrified" written by Kara DioGuardi. I first heard this over at YouTube.com sang by Didi Benami for American Idol. It was hypnotic. Warms my heart. :)
"You by the light is the greatest find. In a world full of wrong, you're the thing that's right. Finally made it through the lonely, to the other side. You set it again, my heart's in motion. Every word feels like a shooting star. I'm at the edge of my emotions... and I'm in love. And I'm terrified for the first time and the last time in my only life.
...And nothing's worse than knowing your holding back. I could be all that you need if you let me try... I only said it 'cause I mean it... 'Cause it's true... 'Cause it keeps me up and holds me close whenever I'm without you."
Hopefully, we all find courage this summer season. ;)
Friday, April 30, 2010
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
Endings, Beginnings, Progress and Everything Else in Between
~On Endings and residue feelings
Not so long ago, I wrote the entry "First Rain Fall" about my decision to actually walk forward and accept all the painful yet meaningful occurrences that came during the past year. After I wrote that entry, I honestly felt good.
But apparently, I can feel better.
He and I, we talked about it... finally. Yes, in some way, it doesn't really matter anymore since I no longer hold romantic feelings towards him. However, having an actual "closure" of the said matter really felt great. I told him everything and he did the same because we finally gave in to the strain our unspoken misunderstandings is causing to our friendship. We worked hard to understand and I'm happy that it turned out well.
On my part, it was somewhat difficult. In fact, I was not expecting such revelations to happen that moment. I thought that he was just fooling around as per usual. I know that if it did not happen earlier, we would still have to deal with it later. I'm thankful that it actually happened now than later. The fact that I cried for a while during our conversation told me that somehow, I still had those teeny feelings for him and that remembering the things that happened still hurts me. But after everything was said and done, I can now really smile.
They say that it's difficult when you fall in love with a guy friend because things will never be the same again if your feelings are not mutual. But then again, that's just a test of your friendship. It's also love on a whole different level of its own.
I'm thankful for the friendship we share.
~On Beginnings and crazy tendencies
Sometimes my imagination runs wild.
I notice the most inane things and can't get them off of my mind. I think that's the reason why I get hurt and scared a lot. I presume a lot due to my observations and become either over confident or lose confidence.
I know that it's bad, wrong and unfair. So little by little, I want to give chance for lady fate to surprise me once in a while. It's going to be challenging since I'm practically like this ever since I gained consciousness towards the world but I'll try to give myself the opportunity to enjoy some of life's exciting experiences by not thinking too much all the time and go with the flow.
Hopefully, I can also save some of my brain cells for other things.
~On Progress finally happening
Since time immemorial, I've been wanting to really learn the Japanese language. From self-help books which I had a terrible love-hate relationship, I was able to take my proper first step by taking a Japanese course for my required foreign language course. It made me really happy but everything is just basic. So I decided to take things a step further.
Currently, I'm now minoring in Japanese Studies along side my pre-medical studies. My fields of study seem a bit disconnected but I believe that if one really is passionate about something, there will always be a way for things to work out just fine.
Who knows, maybe someday I can go work in Japan as a doctor. It's a bit far-fetched but a girl can dream right?
~Everything else that randomly happen in between
Well, I've been really busy lately. Summer classes, writing and movies usually consume my time and I'm having a good time despite the things that I have to do. But I'm looking forward to the end of summer classes so that I'll get to sort of run around and actually have fun under the brightness of the summer sunshine.
Hopefully, I'll also be able to get together with my friends from high school whom I haven't seen in like ages. I really miss everyone!
Enjoy the remaining days of summer!
Not so long ago, I wrote the entry "First Rain Fall" about my decision to actually walk forward and accept all the painful yet meaningful occurrences that came during the past year. After I wrote that entry, I honestly felt good.
But apparently, I can feel better.
He and I, we talked about it... finally. Yes, in some way, it doesn't really matter anymore since I no longer hold romantic feelings towards him. However, having an actual "closure" of the said matter really felt great. I told him everything and he did the same because we finally gave in to the strain our unspoken misunderstandings is causing to our friendship. We worked hard to understand and I'm happy that it turned out well.
On my part, it was somewhat difficult. In fact, I was not expecting such revelations to happen that moment. I thought that he was just fooling around as per usual. I know that if it did not happen earlier, we would still have to deal with it later. I'm thankful that it actually happened now than later. The fact that I cried for a while during our conversation told me that somehow, I still had those teeny feelings for him and that remembering the things that happened still hurts me. But after everything was said and done, I can now really smile.
They say that it's difficult when you fall in love with a guy friend because things will never be the same again if your feelings are not mutual. But then again, that's just a test of your friendship. It's also love on a whole different level of its own.
I'm thankful for the friendship we share.
~On Beginnings and crazy tendencies
Sometimes my imagination runs wild.
I notice the most inane things and can't get them off of my mind. I think that's the reason why I get hurt and scared a lot. I presume a lot due to my observations and become either over confident or lose confidence.
I know that it's bad, wrong and unfair. So little by little, I want to give chance for lady fate to surprise me once in a while. It's going to be challenging since I'm practically like this ever since I gained consciousness towards the world but I'll try to give myself the opportunity to enjoy some of life's exciting experiences by not thinking too much all the time and go with the flow.
Hopefully, I can also save some of my brain cells for other things.
~On Progress finally happening
Since time immemorial, I've been wanting to really learn the Japanese language. From self-help books which I had a terrible love-hate relationship, I was able to take my proper first step by taking a Japanese course for my required foreign language course. It made me really happy but everything is just basic. So I decided to take things a step further.
Currently, I'm now minoring in Japanese Studies along side my pre-medical studies. My fields of study seem a bit disconnected but I believe that if one really is passionate about something, there will always be a way for things to work out just fine.
Who knows, maybe someday I can go work in Japan as a doctor. It's a bit far-fetched but a girl can dream right?
~Everything else that randomly happen in between
Well, I've been really busy lately. Summer classes, writing and movies usually consume my time and I'm having a good time despite the things that I have to do. But I'm looking forward to the end of summer classes so that I'll get to sort of run around and actually have fun under the brightness of the summer sunshine.
Hopefully, I'll also be able to get together with my friends from high school whom I haven't seen in like ages. I really miss everyone!
Enjoy the remaining days of summer!
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