Before the Season Ends

MERRY CHRISTMAS!

I know it's been a while since I last posted. When you're just almost a year away from graduation, thesis work surely will take up a LOT of your time.

I'll keep this short and sweet. :D

I hope everyone's having a blast today!

Love,

Me

the jlpt feel

JLPT is finally over.

After weeks, days, hours of (attempted) studying kanji, hundreds of vocabulary words and sentence patterns, I am thankful that it has finally culminated.

True, I was not totally confident about taking the N4 exam as I waited along the halls of De La Salle University. I did some sort of last-minute review but eventually gave up as the sea of people started to overwhelm me. Various voices filled my ears as I tried to distract myself from the anxiety and excitement.

I guess I'm a bit too tired to narrate in detail what happened. But the point is, I'm thankful for the opportunity. 'Twas a new set of experience. :D

crave

Perhaps it is simply human to be always wanting. The feeling of dissatisfaction would always come nagging from somewhere in the recesses of one's heart. A taste of something yearned for would not be enough -- you have to own it to quench that desire. It evokes all sorts of selfishness and self-gratification shunned yet secretly nurtured by society.

It's a craving that's almost clinical.

But who's sane enough to heal?

It's a craving that's almost criminal.

But who's not guilty enough to judge?

Warmth in Three

Hug.

It's that comforting warmth that wraps around you from another -- family, friend, lover.

But when you hold on to me a bit tighter, I'm not sure anymore.

I can feel your hesitation from the awkwardness of your limbs around me.

As I buried my face on your neck, I want to believe that you meant everything that you said.

Early Morning Dilemma

7:34 am

I came to school so early in the morning, planning to study for my Kanji test tomorrow so that later today, I will just have to focus on my Physics exam review.

But you see, my plan obviously failed.

Here I am, randomly typing away on my laptop. Goshhhhh, I am suffering from too much need for procrastination. :| Yet I know all too well that I am hanging by a thread in almost all of my majors! Accounting, Physics, Epidemiology -- gosh, please don't kill me! :((

As of the moment, I can feel the mix of caffeine overload flowing through my veins -- result of drinking cups of green tea last night and a big mug of coffee this morning. I'm so dead. But I try to minimize my dosage of such chemicals as I don't want to feel the weakening after-effect when the caffeine leaves my body. Honto ni yabai yo!

For now, I fill my ears with perky party music to keep me awake. I hope this works!

While Usher and his posse shouts out "OHHHHHHHHHHH" on the background, I will attempt to finally study my Kanji. 　がんばります!

(いやああああああああ!)

:((

Pagninilay

Sa loob ng silid-aralan ng asignaturang Pilosopiya ko unang nakilala ang salitang meron.

Sigurado ako na matapos mong mabasa ang unang pangungusap ay tumaas ang iyong kilay. Parang imposible nga naman sa isang Pilipino na hindi alam ang salitang meron dahil sa sobrang dalas na magamit ito. Madalas nating itinatanong, "Anong meron?" kapag malungkot o kaya naman sobrang saya ng ating kaibigan. Kaming mga babae, bawat buwan, nagbubulungan sa isa't isa upang hindi marinig ng iba na meron kami. Talagang hindi mawawala ang meron sa pang-araw-araw na usapang Pilipino.

Pero, ano nga ba ang meron?

Simple lang naman ang meron.

Ang lahat ay meron. Ang wala ay meron.

Simple, hindi ba? Walang compound o complex sentences para lang ipaliwanag ang meron. Pero sa tiyak na kasimplehan ng meron nagmumula ang pagkalula. Sanay na kasi tayo na kumplikado ang lahat kaya nakapaninibago ang kapayakan ng meron. Aminado ako na hanggang ngayon, hindi ko pa rin naiintindihan ang kabuuan ng meron pero, tinatanggap ko ang meron dahil nararanasan ko ito.

Nangungusap sa atin ang meron, sa pamamagitan ng logos o kaya, salita. At sa pamamagitan ng salita nakikita at nauunawaan natin ang totoo. Madalas, akala natin na ang nakita natin ang logos ng karanasan na iyon. Maaaring nagkamali tayo ng pagunawa, pero tinanggap natin ang pagunawang ito bilang ang totoo at ibinahagi pa natin ito sa iba na tinanggap din naman nila. Sa kasong ito, ang sinang-ayunan at pinagbabahagiang totoo ay hindi totoo, kung hindi, ang katotohanan. Sa ideyal, iisa lamang ang totoo at katotohanan. Pero dahil sa kumplikado na ang sitwasyon, nahihirapan tayong mapag-isa ang totoo at katotohanan.

Paborito ko ang konsepto ng katotohanan sa Pilosopiya. Sa lahat ng mga natutunan ko sa Pilosopiya hanggang sa puntong ito, ang katotohanan lamang ang konsepto na nagpapakita ng kalayaan na ibinigay ng Diyos sa tao. Madalas kasing ihalintulad ang meron sa Diyos. Kung susundan ang ganitong pag-iisip, ang totoo ay galing sa Diyos pero maaari itong tanggapin at unawaain ng tao sa iba't ibang paraan. Sa madaling sabi, ang totoo para sa akin, ay maaaring hindi totoo para sa iyo.

Mula sa naunang kasipan tungkol sa katotohanan, gusto kong i-ugnay ito sa pag-ibig. Nitong mga nakaraang buwan kasi, madalas akong naguguluhan at nalilito dahil hindi ko naiintindihan ang logos na nais niyang ipahiwatig. Sa tipikal na obserbasyon, maaaring isipin na marahil espesyal din ako sa kanya. Pero nang talakayin namin sa Pilosopiya ang katotohanan, naisip ko, posible rin naman na ang totoo para sa kanya ay maaaring iba sa totoo para sa akin. Kaya siguro agad pumapasok sa isipan ko na marahil espesyal din ako sa kanyan dahil sa mga popular na katotohanan tungkol sa pag-ibig.

Dahil dito, naisip ko na hindi ko tuluyang malalaman ang katotohanan tungkol sa estado ng aming pakikitungo sa isa't isa kung hindi ko malalaman ang totoo sa likod ng kanyang mga aksyon. Walang saysay na pagurin ko ang aking sarili sa kakaisip ng mga posibleng paliwanag kung hindi ko mismo siya tatanungin. Dahil siya lang ang makapagbibigay ng sagot sa mga katanungang tumatakbo sa aking isip.

Alam kong ganito ang sitwasyon. Alam ko ang kailangan kong gawin.

Magtanong.

Pero hindi ko ginagawa. Hindi naman ako maskhista. Ang totoo niyan, natatakot lang akong malaman ang katotohanan. Kapag pinakawalan ko mula sa aking mga labi ang mga salitang nagpapahiwatig ng katanungan, mapag-uusapan na namin ang lahat-lahat sa pamamagitan ng lahat-lahat ng sabay-sabay. Gusto kong malaman ang katotohanan pero hindi pa yata ako handa para dito.

Paumanhin kung napapadalas ang mga blog ko tungkol sa kanya. Kinakailangan ko lang talagang ilabas ang aking saloobin. At tinulungan ako ng Pilosopiya na mag-isip sa iba namang punto de bista.

Sa kabila ng mga ka-dramahan ko, nakatutuwa namang isipin na nagagamit sa buhay ang mga konsepto na pinag-aaralan sa unibersidad. Sana naman ay magawa ko rin ito sa ibang asignatura ko.

Hanggang sa muli.

Movie: Raise the Red Lantern

Along the process of tidying up (ie. reformatting) my four-year-old laptop, I am starting by removing the numerous sticky notes on my desktop screen.

During the summer vacation, I had the chance to watch the award-winning Chinese movie Raise the Red Lantern starring Gong Li. I just watched it because of Gong Li (that woman is really pretty and talented, I swear). I didn't know anything about the plot but to my surprise, I found myself thinking about the movie's message right after watching it. It was definitely a gothic film. Perhaps dark is the right term? I'm not really sure. But I'm sure that it is a very good film. Somewhat educational in terms of older Chinese culture.

The following are my thoughts that I typed away on a sticky note on my desktop.

"The movie Raise the Red Lantern speaks of the importance given by the Chinese to traditions. It also shows an attempt of the younger generations to break the tradition yet at the same time, hides themselves underneath the said old traditions. The result of such half-hearted attempt will only lead to despair, madness and death. This also shows that in order to fully break away from the 'chains' of traditions, the Chinese women should be firm in their resolve and actually choose which path they want to go. Indecisiveness will only bring suffering not only to one's self but others as well."

5 Questions

1.) Were you the one who wrote 'I love you' on my paper?

2.) If yes, why did you do so?

3.) What's your favorite color?

4.) Are you irritated by me?

5.) What do you think of me?

These questions must have been swimming in my head for a long time now since it was easy for me to utter these top 5 questions that I will ask you, if you and I will ever have the chance to have a talk.

Just you and me.

Maybe I should thank my friends for letting me actually think about it. But the thing is, knowing these questions actually made me want to know the answers from you. You sure know how to make a girl go crazy about you.

Open Door

Today is a day when I got reminded by lady Fate that I can't always get what I want.

It's a fact that I know all to well and yet... it hurt. And I am currently reveling in the pain, not because I'm a masochist. Rather, I want the feeling to sink in. That's why I am writing this. The words make the feelings real, real to me. Experiencing and accepting that reality will push me past he pain and hurt with new wisdom.

As I end this brief entry, I can say that I feel better. Even if lady Fate denied me entrance to one door, I'm sure she'll happily open a different one for me.

love the way you lie

It has been a hobby of mine to browse through youtube and "discover" new songs, new sounds, new music.

Last night, I came across this new single from Eminem and Rihanna called "Love the Way You Lie". I always admired Eminem's fearless self-expression (though I'm not really enthusiastic about his excessive usage of swearwords) while I salute her as how she came back stronger after the incident with Chris Brown.

To be honest, I did not finish the entire song. I stopped listening after around 40 seconds. Ideally, I wanted to finish a song so that I can judge whether I like it or not. But I stopped listening. Not because I already determined that like/hate the song but because I got so stuck on Eminem's first two lines.

I can't tell you what it really is
I can only tell you what it feels like

Those lines really hit the bull's eye.

Recently, my close friends who knew about my latest matters of the heart would ask me where are am I now in terms of my feelings. I really find it difficult to answer such question. They expect me to give out a universally known term or explanation. But I don't know how I will enclose my emotions into familiar words that either don't seem enough or seem too serious to describe what's in my heart.

This sort of things make me wish that I could easily create words that will fit exactly. That way, misunderstandings won't happen. Words are just too powerful. Once you wrote or said them, it will be difficult to take them back. You can either hurt or make someone happy by just uttering a single word.

So for now, maybe I'll stay quiet. That way, I won't be accused of lying if by any chance I'm not entirely sure of how I feel.

He should have done the same. Maybe I won't be in this maze if he did.

Frustration Blender

Numbers. Numbers.

All I see are numbers.

It makes me dizzy seeing all these complicated-looking and intimidating strings of mathematical expressions and formulas on a single chalk-blanched blackboard.

I initially thought that it must be fate speaking. Physics and I are never meant to be together.

But at the back of my mind, I know that all those symbols and representations actually make some sort of sense. Albeit vague, I understand.

So why on earth did I write the first few lines of senseless complaints and rantings?

For one, I really just wanted to rant... and complain. And two, I want to make myself realize that I am just running away from the problem.

At present, I should be doing my physics problem set but instead I am writing this. Well, this is better than just pacing inside the library. I'm not really being productive. I feel bad.

Well, I have finally allowed myself to release my unease. Physics really drives me to the edge (particularly due to a certain nightmarish experience caused by a certain person).

Sigh, thank you words. If words did not exist, I might have gone really wild from frustration.

jaaaa, off to work

terrifying future

As I closed a chapter in my life, it is inevitable that I start a new one as I continue breathing and my heart continues beating.

I look forward to what lies ahead in the future but at the same time, I can't help but feel scared, terrified, of the uncertainties presented by the unknown. It was just recently that I successfully pulled myself and my heart together again. Obviously, I don't want to get lost nor heartbroken all over again.

Yet what will be the point of living if I don't even bother risk everything?

I want to continue and be brave for whatever, whoever, comes. As of now, I'm still uncertain if I am already at that optimum point but as a first step towards that goal, I acknowledge the fact that I'm actually scared.

Recently, I find inspiration in the song "Terrified" written by Kara DioGuardi. I first heard this over at YouTube.com sang by Didi Benami for American Idol. It was hypnotic. Warms my heart. :)

"You by the light is the greatest find. In a world full of wrong, you're the thing that's right. Finally made it through the lonely, to the other side. You set it again, my heart's in motion. Every word feels like a shooting star. I'm at the edge of my emotions... and I'm in love. And I'm terrified for the first time and the last time in my only life.

...And nothing's worse than knowing your holding back. I could be all that you need if you let me try... I only said it 'cause I mean it... 'Cause it's true... 'Cause it keeps me up and holds me close whenever I'm without you."

Hopefully, we all find courage this summer season. ;)

Endings, Beginnings, Progress and Everything Else in Between

~On Endings and residue feelings

Not so long ago, I wrote the entry "First Rain Fall" about my decision to actually walk forward and accept all the painful yet meaningful occurrences that came during the past year. After I wrote that entry, I honestly felt good.

But apparently, I can feel better.

He and I, we talked about it... finally. Yes, in some way, it doesn't really matter anymore since I no longer hold romantic feelings towards him. However, having an actual "closure" of the said matter really felt great. I told him everything and he did the same because we finally gave in to the strain our unspoken misunderstandings is causing to our friendship. We worked hard to understand and I'm happy that it turned out well.

On my part, it was somewhat difficult. In fact, I was not expecting such revelations to happen that moment. I thought that he was just fooling around as per usual. I know that if it did not happen earlier, we would still have to deal with it later. I'm thankful that it actually happened now than later. The fact that I cried for a while during our conversation told me that somehow, I still had those teeny feelings for him and that remembering the things that happened still hurts me. But after everything was said and done, I can now really smile.

They say that it's difficult when you fall in love with a guy friend because things will never be the same again if your feelings are not mutual. But then again, that's just a test of your friendship. It's also love on a whole different level of its own.

I'm thankful for the friendship we share.

~On Beginnings and crazy tendencies

Sometimes my imagination runs wild.

I notice the most inane things and can't get them off of my mind. I think that's the reason why I get hurt and scared a lot. I presume a lot due to my observations and become either over confident or lose confidence.

I know that it's bad, wrong and unfair. So little by little, I want to give chance for lady fate to surprise me once in a while. It's going to be challenging since I'm practically like this ever since I gained consciousness towards the world but I'll try to give myself the opportunity to enjoy some of life's exciting experiences by not thinking too much all the time and go with the flow.

Hopefully, I can also save some of my brain cells for other things.

~On Progress finally happening

Since time immemorial, I've been wanting to really learn the Japanese language. From self-help books which I had a terrible love-hate relationship, I was able to take my proper first step by taking a Japanese course for my required foreign language course. It made me really happy but everything is just basic. So I decided to take things a step further.

Currently, I'm now minoring in Japanese Studies along side my pre-medical studies. My fields of study seem a bit disconnected but I believe that if one really is passionate about something, there will always be a way for things to work out just fine.

Who knows, maybe someday I can go work in Japan as a doctor. It's a bit far-fetched but a girl can dream right?

~Everything else that randomly happen in between

Well, I've been really busy lately. Summer classes, writing and movies usually consume my time and I'm having a good time despite the things that I have to do. But I'm looking forward to the end of summer classes so that I'll get to sort of run around and actually have fun under the brightness of the summer sunshine.

Hopefully, I'll also be able to get together with my friends from high school whom I haven't seen in like ages. I really miss everyone!

Enjoy the remaining days of summer!

FREEDOM!

After almost 5 months of academic hard work, my long-awaited summer vacation is finally here!

I hope you guys will also enjoy the brightness of the sun in this season of fun! I'm sure I will ;)

First Rain Fall

For days, the sky was just filled with heavily-burdened clouds.

And then, it just rained recently, washing away all the heat of summer. It was a bit eerie yet the rain fall made me happy.

Much as I love the summer season, the sudden rainfall was refreshing.
I really love the smell and atmosphere brought about by rain falls.

---
This is gonna be the first official entry of the year. It is just now that I felt the energy back into my heart. Finally, I got rid of all the drama from last year that desperately clung unto me for the past two months. Aren't you happy for me??? :D

Let's get this party started!

Summer season is up!