Washing Regrets Away

The last time I checked my calendar, it said May 12, 2008. According to the natural course of weather for the past first decade of my life, the month May is still included in the season called summer. But recently, it has been raining cats and dogs that my sunny spirit got swept away. I can't do anything fun like I used to. And as I write this entry, the sky still shows no sign of the sun shining today. Such sudden weather shift melted me to the point of remembering the most depressing period (so far) of my young life. The number of trees within our yard seems to be doing nothing to help ease the effects of global warming. I want my warm summer back!

I’m a self-professed rainy season lover but it feels like having a jet lag. The fact that the climate shift is occurring has so much effect on me that during the first May 2008 downpour, I got a pencil and a piece of paper and just scribbled how I feel. It was very dim but I didn’t mind. I didn’t bother looking at what I was writing for it would defeat the purpose. I just want to know how I feel. And your happiest moment can also give you your most depressing one.

May 11, 2008

Today is very rainy. I usually feel happy when it is raining for I really love the water and the cool breeze it brings. But today, it is different. The moment the thunder rumbled, I fell onto my pillow and felt sleepy as if I had no energy at all. And then, I just felt sad. The gloomy atmosphere surrounded me and just like that, I remembered a painful memory that I wanted to forget.

It has been 5 years since I first met a person who once became very important in my life. It was also raining like this day when I first met him. Yes, he is a guy. The first guy who I can probably say, appreciated my being. I did not expect him to become special to me since we only knew each other in a civil manner. Maybe it was just part of my growth that we crossed paths in a personal degree. It cannot be coincidence for God doesn’t play dice. I was happy with him though he is far from my ideal. I liked him. He was a friend, brother and a special person. He taught me things I might not be able to discover by my self back then for naivety was still a close companion of mine. Eight months passed by. We had our share of happy moments, disagreements and some other special moments.

While a lot happened that I felt so attached to him, a sudden realization dawned to me. Might he became a some sort of a guide for quite some time, I realized that what I felt for him was different from what he was feeling for me. The very thought of it just disgusts me that I did and said little troublesome things just to slowly inch away from his grasps. I know that I might be hurting him in some way but I just let my mind rule over my heart. I’ve been misled for a long time and it hurts to know that you’ve been taken advantaged of. When he left town, it made the process easier for me. I just told him that I don’t feel right anymore. The moment I said those words to him was the first time I felt so good in a long while. I broke whatsoever contact we had but he kept bugging me. I just ignored him.

But after five years, I felt that I should have given him the chance to explain and maybe, to formally part ways. My confusion, youth and naivety back then blinded my reason. Given a chance to meet him, I just want to tell him that I’m happy that he became a part of my life and that I have forgiven him even though I missed out on many things because of him.

I was not being emo, just nostalgic in a sense that I have a small regret. Though the rain that day made me really sadder than as I was (read Absently Celebrating Mothers’ Day), I still feel grateful of being reminded that we only get one shot in life. We must live each day to the fullest, making it sure that we have no regrets for the most tormenting feeling is that of wondering what could have been. To deny one’s self of experiencing the rainbow of feelings is tantamount to suicide minus the blood. We’ll only know happiness if we’ve felt how it is to feel down. Same goes with the idea that we feel the joys of love is because we had the thorns of it. To live is to feel.

No regrets.